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McCORD
I always hear gunshots when I'm high
before noon. Life's a crazy bitch.
Don't try to analyze it. The quarterback
buggering the linebacker. What a waste.
MILNER
Oh the humanity.
82 INT. SCHOOL CONFERENCE ROOM--MORNING 82
Another morning mourning conference. The participants look a
little more frazzled. PAULINE sits at the head of the table.
COUNSELOR HYDE
(sotto voce to Mrs. Pope)
After every touchdown or whatever,
they give each other a little slap
on the bottom. It seems innocent...
PAULINE (O.S.)
Shut up.
The elderly MRS. POPE shakes her head at the suicide note.
MRS. POPE
Look at this. "Ununderstanding."
PAULINE
Will you shut up! We were in a
similar position Monday and I
thoughtfully suggested that we get
the students together for an
unadulterated emotional outpouring.
You took the suggestion as an
opportunity to play yet another round
of "Let's laugh at the Hippie."
COUNSELOR HYDE
Pauline, if you want a tryout
for the school play....
PRINCIPAL GOWAN hoarsely breaks in.
PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Shut up, Paul. I've seen a lot of
bullshit--angel dust, switchblades,
sexually perverse photography
exhibits involving tennis racquets,
but this suicide thing....I guess
it's all on Pauline's wavelength.
We're just going to write off today,
and Friday she can do her little
little love-in or whatever. Whatever.
83 EXT. STUDENT PARKING LOT--MORNING 83
VERONICA's car is the lone vehicle in the student parking lot.
Slowly other cars begin to filter in, including a rumbling heap-
ful of Heavy Metalers.
84 INT. THE SAWYER CAR--MORNING 84
The Heavy Metaler Heap's obnoxious muffler causes a sleeping
VERONICA's eyes to snap open in bug-eyed sweat. Mentally
wounded, she climbs into the front seat, pulling on her
blazer. She presses in the car cigarette lighter. J.D.
rumbles from the back as more cars begin to fill the lot.
VERONICA
We killed them, didn't we?
J.D.
Of course.
VERONICA tugs out the car lighter and savagely brands the palm
of her hand. J.D. hurdles into the front seat and bats the
lighter away. He lights a cigarette off the scorched flesh of
VERONICA's hand as she wails away.
VERONICA
Ich Luge bullets! I'm an idiot!
J.D. drags on his cigarette. School buses are pulling in
outside of the parking lot, in front of the school.
J.D.
You believed it because you wanted
to believe it. Your true feelings were
too gross and icky for you to face.
VERONICA
I did not want them DEAD.
J.D.
Did too.
VERONICA
Did not.
J.D.
Did too.
VERONICA
Did not.
J.D. launches into a rapid-fire rendition of "did-too's".
VERONICA responds by holding her hands over her ears and
singing "Mary had a Little Lamb." J.D.'s "Did-too's" get
louder causing VERONICA to bang on the horn.
85 EXT. PARKING LOT--DAY 85
HEATHER DUKE and a vegged out HEATHER MCNAMARA stop sauntering
through the parking lot to contemplate Veronica's hiccuping
car and its sparring occupants.
HEATHER DUKE
Ah, young love.
COURTNEY bounds up to the Heathers.
SQUEELING GIRL #1
Did you hear? School's cancelled today
because Kurt and Ram killed themselves in
a repressed homosexual suicide pact.
HEATHER DUKE
(incredulous, but amused)
No way!
86 INT. THE SAWYER CAR--DAY 86
J.D. pulls VERONICA off the horn and warmly places an unlit
cigarette in her mouth. As he speaks, VERONICA wearily takes
the cigarette from her mouth and puts it in her blazer pocket.
J.D.
Football season's over, Veronica. Kurt
and Ram had nothing to offer the school
but date-rapes and A.I.D.S. jokes.
VERONICA
(looking to her burnt hand)
Sure. Can we make an ice run
before the funeral?
STUDENTS head back to their cars and the Buses pull back out.
87 INT. CHURCH--DAY 87
A typically John Waynesque Jock's Father-type, MR. KELLY,
stands over his son's open coffin. KURT wears a black football
helmet. FATHER RIPPER watches on with various ADULTS,
STUDENTS.
MR. KELLY
If there's any way you can hear me,
Kurt buddy, I don't care that you
really were some pansy. You're my
flesh-and-blood. You made me proud.
I love my homosexual son. My son's
gay and I love him!
In dark sunglasses, VERONICA wearily leans over to J.D.
VERONICA
Your son's dead and you love him.
J.D.
How do you think Mr. Kelly would
react to a son with a limp wrist
with a pulse?
They quietly laugh. VERONICA sees a LITTLE GIRL staring at
her. She is wearing Kurt's football jersey and her face is
soaked in tears. VERONICA's smile turns into a nauseated
grimace.
88 OMIT 88
89 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM FLOOR--NIGHT 89
VERONICA lies next to a Vodka bottle, drinking out of a Dixie
cup. She turns off her blaring radio to speak on the phone.
D.J. (radio)
As you know, the Sherwood Teen Suicide
tote is up to three. Here's one for Kurt
and Ram, BigFun with Teenage Suicide,
Don't Do It....
VERONICA
Hello J.D.? No, it's okay, I just kind
of wanted to talk...Oh, a newsmagazine
show on Channel 16. Really? On the
suicides. No, sounds great. Bye.
VERONICA hangs up and looks to her battered diary lying against
the wall. She crawls to the diary and then reaches
up to her night table to pull down her monocle and a pen.
She sucks a cup of Vodka and begins writing.
VERONICA (V.O.)
Dear Diary, my teen angst bullshit
now has a body count.
Sitting up against her bed, VERONICA continues writing as
J.F.K. laps up Vodka from the Dixie cup.
VERONICA (V.O.)
The most popular people in the school
are dead. Everybody's sad, but it's a
good kind of sad. Suicide gave Heather
depth, Kurt a soul, Ram a brain. I
gave J.D. shit about the Ich Luge thing
but what really frightens me is that
I'm not frightened by what J.D.'ll do
next. It's God versus my boyfriend
and God's losing....
VERONICA drops her head back and closes her eyes, popping out
her monocle. She swoons down against the bed onto the
floor and curls into a fetal slumber.
90 INT. THE CAFETERIA--DAY 90
STUDENTS eat and buzz together in typical cacophony. All are
wearing black armbands. A jukebox roars.
PAULINE FLEMING and an entourage of STUDENTS such as PETER
DAWSON and the HEATHERS invade the cafeteria, heads raised high.
PAULINE
Peter, kill the jukebox.
As the music amusingly grinds to a halt, PAULINE hoists up
a bullhorn to her lips and crackles...
PAULINE
Could I have your attention?
A startled Geek RODNEY splatters milk all over himself.
STUDENTS whip their heads around to the front of the cafeteria.
MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK warily looks up from her plate.
PAULINE FLEMING chants with soaring self-importance.
PAULINE
Our school has been torn apart by
tragedy. I'm here today to fuse it
back together through Togetherness.
I want everyone to clasp hands.
We need to connect this cafeteria
into one mighty circuit.
A tableau of dumbfounded STUDENTS stare at the Bullhorn Woman.
91 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF CAFETERIA--SAME TIME--DAY 91
Hungover in dark sunglasses, VERONICA bustles toward the
cafeteria entrance clinging to an armful of books while trying
to tie a black armband onto herself.
92 INT. THE CAFETERIA--DAY 92
PAULINE's Evita Peron-like composure is crumbling.
PAULINE
Yo, what's the problem? I know you
know how to hold hands. Ring-around-
the-rosy-a-pocketful-of-posy...Forget it!
(looking to her watch then Peter)
Where are they?
Her back to the viewer, VERONICA enters the cafeteria. HEATHER
DUKE floats into view and tightly knots VERONICA's armband.
VERONICA
I see Ms. Phlegm's on another crusade.
With usual success.
HEATHER DUKE
(looking to the viewer)
I have a feeling this one'll work.
VERONICA turns to the viewer and half-gasps.
TWO 2-person video CAMERA CREWS and a STILL PHOTOGRAPHER burst
into the cafeteria slightly battering the in-the-way VERONICA.
PAULINE smiles in relief. She wields around, lifting the horn.
PAULINE
The cameras are here! Lock your paws!
Slightly confused but Awesomed, a table of Country Club Kids
including COURTNEY stand and latch out to each other. A nearby
table with BETTY FINN and friends follow suit.
VERONICA looks on with a growing sense of queasiness.
The Cafeteria swirls into a frenzy with members of more
excitable cliques like the Jocks and the Heavy Metalers
jumping over and onto tables anxiously bumbling into hand-
holding constellations. CAMERA CREWS weave beside them.
In a corner, the PHOTOGRAPHER snaps a shot of a thumbs-up
PETER DAWSON with his arms around FEMALE STONER IN ARMY JACKET.
PAULINE runs ahead of a hustling CAMERA CREW and grabs hold of
a chain of hand-holding Jocks. She pulls the chain until it
connects up with a grateful chain of BETTY FINNS.
A sleeping HEATHER MCNAMARA drearily awakens to the havoc around
her. She takes off her black armband, ties it around her
eyes, and droops her head back down on a table.
VERONICA lets her books slide from her hands, shaking her head.
MARTHA DUNNSTOCK nervously looks to her out-of-control peers.
HEATHER DUKE slyly looks to VERONICA with an "If you can't
beat em..." smile then saunters into the fray. She slides onto
the lap of Heavy Metaler Matt. The PHOTOGRAPHER snaps a shot.
PAULINE forces apart the handholding Heavy Metal lovers JACKIE
and STEVE, sandwiches DENNIS in between them, and madly departs.
The PHOTOGRAPHER now shoots a pic of a thumbs-up PETER DAWSON
with his arms around an ALL OUT NERD.
VERONICA stands before the chaos, back to the viewer, in much
the same way Heather Chandler did in the opening scene.
PAULINE and the Geek Squad look to MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK.
RODNEY
I may be a geek, but I have my pride.
PAULINE
Gotcha...Could I get some Stoners
over here please!
Frightened and flustered, MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK quakes
for a moment then crawls underneath her table.
A last panoramic view of the hustling CAMERA CREWS amid the
panderingly anarchic STUDENTS unfolds.
VERONICA suddenly finds herself flanked by J.D. The exiting
CAMERA CREWS flow past them.
J.D.
Was it as good for you as it was for me?
A dumbfounded VERONICA watches PAULINE and PETER approach.
PETER
I'm gonna need a VHS copy of all this by
Monday for my Princeton application.
PAULINE
(looking to Veronica)
Veronica, there you are! Wasn't it Fab?
I've put peer pressure out to pasture!
VERONICA
Oh come on, Pauline. What happens
tomorrow, when the cameras aren't here?
As they argue, J.D. looks out and sees MARTHA bob up from
beneath her table then dart back under. He ambles away....
PAULINE
Why are you dissing me, Veronica? I'm
trying to redefine the high school
experience.....
VERONICA
You're ignorning the high school
experience. People are dead and all
you can think to do is whip up some
warped Pity Party. If we're going to
ever build respect for each other,
it's gotta be something...something
real. We can't be tricked into it.
Back me up J.D...J.D.?
PAULINE
(moving off)
Let's go Peter, some people are just
unwilling to share the pain....
MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK'S TABLE
MARTHA slithers from under the table up into her seat, and
head down, tries to finish off a bowl of soup. She slowly looks
up and freezes. J.D. is revealed to be seated across from her,
behind his Rebel Without a Cause lunch box. He smiles warmly.
J.D.
Greetings and salutations.
93 INT. J.D.'S LIVING ROOM--NIGHT 93
VERONICA restlessly rocks on a couch with increasingly
unguarded annoyance. Excitedly insensitive to her words, J.D.
spins the tuner of his radio, headphones pressed to one ear.
VERONICA
That thing this afternoon...I'm so
angry! It was like "Boy, isn't death
fun!" "Gee, I wonder who'll die next!"
"I'll bet we get FOUR camera crews
next time." It was chaos. Fucking chaos.
J.D. giddily pivots around, tearing the headphones from the
radio and causing a blast of static to accompany his words.
J.D.
What are you talking about? Today
was great. Chaos is great. Chaos is
what killed the dinosaurs, darling,
and it's what's going to make
Westerburg a purified place to get
an education. Face it, our way is
the way. We scare people into not
being assholes.
VERONICA
(a ticking time bomb)
Our way is not OUR way.
J.D.
Tell that to the judge; "Your honor,
I was led to believe there were Ich
Luge bullets in the gun." Tell it to
Kurt Kelly! "Don't shoot, Veronica,
I'm the quarterback."
J.D. goes into a Sonny-Corleone-at-the-Turnpike imitation.
VERONICA throws the first thing she can get her hands on, a
framed picture of a woman, at the vibrating J.D.
VERONICA
I'm telling it to YOU! YOU! Nothing
good can come from suicide, from murder,
from death. Nothing! Nothing except more
death and shit like that feeding frenzy
this afternoon....Geez, what am I..who...
Unnaah! You can be so immature!
J.D.
(looking off)
You kids are making too much damn noise.
BIG BUD DEAN is revealed to be standing in the front doorway,
holding a chest exerciser and waving a videocassette.
BIG BUD DEAN
We beat the bitches.
VERONICA
(mumbling)
Oh beautiful. The Beaver's home.
BIG BUD DEAN
Judge told em to slurp shit and die.
BIG BUD moves to the Entertainment console, turns off the
radio and turns on the V.C.R. He crams the cassette in and
hefts up his chest exerciser. He begins pumping away as the
image of a shabby building appears on the massive T.V.
BIG BUD DEAN
I put a Norwegian in the boiler room.
Masterful. When that blew, it set off
a pack of thermals I'd stuck upstairs.
The building blows up. BIG BUD cackles. J.D. politely
applauds. BUD pops out the videocassette and bounces away.
BIG BUD DEAN
It's great to be alive!
VERONICA
Do you like your father?
J.D.
Never given the matter much thought.
Liked my mother.
J.D. picks up the framed picture that Veronica threw.
J.D.
They said her death was an accident.
But she knew when the explosives were
set to go off. She knew...
VERONICA slowly sits down next to J.D. with dazed concern.
VERONICA
In some sick way, we unclogged the
sinuses of the school. But if we're
going to keep the school healthy, it's
gotta be through something having to
do with life, not death.
J.D.
Whoa, Metaphor Tennis anyone? Tell me,
if you put a Nazi in a concentration
camp, does that make you a Nazi?
VERONICA
MayBE.
J.D. exhales in frustration before bounding up from the couch
to turn back on the radio.
D.J. (Radio)
Dudes, if I get one more request for
that BigFun song I'M going to
committ suicide. Here it is......
J.D.
(malevolently)
They're playing our song....
As the "song" kicks in (a bunch of guys shouting over a drum
machine), J.D. seductively moves toward VERONICA, semi-lip-
syncing it. As a seethingly angry but not unaroused
VERONICA watches, J.D. slithers onto the couch.
BIGFUN (Radio)
TIMES ARE MEAN FOR A TEEN--WE KNOW!
PARENTS IGNORE, TEACHERS BORE--WE KNOW!
BUT THERE'S MORE THAN ONE WAY TO GO!
TEENAGE SUICIDE; DON'T DO IT!
TEENAGE SUICIDE; DON'T DO IT!
J.D. stops his seduction and rips out a gun. He giddily fires
into the radio, destroying it.
VERONICA
That's it, we're breaking up.
J.D.
Wha-a-at?
J.D. playfully tackles the fleeing VERONICA. This calms rather
than angers. She turns on her back. J.D. follows suit.
J.D.
You can't bring them back. You
must know that.
VERONICA
I'm not trying to "bring back"
anybody...except maybe myself.
VERONICA sighs, then rolls over into a crawling position and
eventually into a walking-out-the-door position.
VERONICA
To think there was a time when I
thought you were cool. If you can't
deal with me now, just stay home and
shoot your T.V., blow away a couple
toasters or something. Just don't come
to school and don't mess with me.
J.D.
You'll be BACK!
J.D. slowly sits up and with both hands, puts his gun in his
mouth. He pauses, lets go of the gun, and then biting down on
the barrel of the gun, J.D. proceeds to broodingly tie his
shoes.
94 INT. EMPTY CLASSROOM--DAY 94
J.D. moves to an empty row of desks. He turns the first desk
as to face the second. HEATHER DUKE warily lowers herself into
the second desk as J.D. flops a manilla envelope onto it.
HEATHER DUKE opens the envelope and pulls out a stack of 8x10's.
The first shot shows a YOUNG HEATHER DUKE in a summer camp
uniform that vibrantly reads HEATHER, She is holding one end
of a large poster board drawing of two Eskimos rubbing noses.
Holding the other end, in a summer camp uniform vibrantly
reading MARTHA, is a YOUNG MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK.
HEATHER DUKE
What the.....
With a harsh laugh, she takes in the next photograph. It has
YOUNG HEATHER DUKE and YOUNG MARTHA eating toasted
marshmallows off each other's sticks.
HEATHER DUKE
(queasily intrigued)
Where did you get these?
J.D.
Oh, I just had the NICEST chat with
Ms. Dumptruck. Got along famously! It's
scary how everyone's got a story to
tell....Would you care to see the
canoeing shots?
HEATHER DUKE
What is this? Blackmail? So what. I
once shared a bunk with the biggest
loser in the state. I'm not running
for president....
(narrowing her eyes at the photos)
I'll give you a week's lunch money.
J.D.
I don't want your money, I want your
strength. Westerburg doesn't need
mushy togetherness, it needs a leader.
Heather Chandler was that leader but...
HEATHER DUKE
But she couldn't handle it.
J.D. laughs. She's on the ball.
J.D.
I think you can. In Catcher in the Rye
Holden says his ideal job'd be making
sure some kids don't fall off a cliff.
He doesn't realize if you pay too much
attention to the kids, you'll back off
the cliff yourself.
HEATHER DUKE
Very very. The photographs?
J.D.
Don't worry. I'll ask you to do a favour,
one you'll enjoy. You'll get the
negatives and everything back then.
J.D. launches away from his desk with a grin. He places a
red ribbon on HEATHER DUKE's desk.
J.D.
In the meantime, strength, And hey,
there's a little gift.
95 INT. THE GIRLS BATHROOM--DAY 95
A spooked HEATHER DUKE splashes water on her face and looks up
into the mirror. In a trance, she pulls her hair back Heather
Chandler fashion and ties it with the ribbon J.D. gave her.
A BETTY FINN-A-LIKE moves up to the sink beside her. Two CHIC
BABES enter the bathroom with pouting expressions. Seemingly
in a trance, HEATHER DUKE bends over and wipes off her wet hands
using the oblivious BETTY FINN-A-LIKE's dress. HEATHER DUKE
winks to the now-giggling CHIC BABES and saunters off.
96 INT. HALLWAY--DAY 96
HEATHER DUKE bursts through the bathroom door to wickedly
strut down the hall. She scowls/smiles in perfect Heather
Chandler fashion to various passers-by.
97 ANOTHER HALLWAY--DAY 97
Disoriented, VERONICA somnambulates down the hall. She suddenly
brakes amid the flow of Student traffic to stare at a locker.
The locker wears a POLICE LINE--DO NOT CROSS sticker. VERONICA
pulls out a School Spirit Club I.D. Card and moves to the locker.
With the card, she wrangles the locker open. It contains a
coat, recognizably Heather Chandler's. On the inside door is a
sizable mirror, a cute little "HEATHER" license plate, an
Alexander Haig For President sticker, and a picture of VERONICA
and the HEATHERS all wearing sunglasses and acting tough.
VERONICA zeroes in on a three frame Photo Booth picture. In
the first frame, VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER stare
stonefaced. In the second frame, the two girls are screaming
at the top of their lungs. In the third frame, they have
returned to a stonefaced state. VERONICA touches the picture
with a quivering smile as two hands flap around her eyes.
HEATHER DUKE
Guess who?
VERONICA
Heather.
VERONICA turns around, stunned. The Heather Chandleresque
HEATHER DUKE can be seen in the locker mirror. VERONICA
violently pushes HEATHER DUKE away and storms off.
HEATHER DUKE peers in the open locker. A pair of red earrings
flash out at her. Biting her lip, she reaches for them.
98 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT 98
Lying on the floor, VERONICA concentrates on her phone. With
a deep sigh, she pushbuttons out a number. She pauses, then...
VERONICA
Ouch. Your machine's got the most
obnoxious beep. Heather, I'm sorry.
99 INT. HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM--NIGHT 99
VERONICA's voice drones through HEATHER DUKE's answering machine.
VERONICA (O.S./machine)
I'm just calling to say you can
wear your hair any way you want to.
A Male hand picks up the phone. It's College boy DAVID.
DAVID
Hey Veronica Sawyer, barf on
anybody's carpet lately?
100 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT 100
VERONICA cringes.
VERONICA
Is this David? Heather's David?
What are you doing....
101 INT. HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM--NIGHT 101
DAVID
What can I say? I was pretty broken
up by Heather C.'s suicide. I needed
somebody super-sensitive like Heather D.
102 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT 102
VERONICA
I'm delirious for the both of you.
Can you put Heather on?
103 INT. HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM--NIGHT 103
DAVID proudly looks down off-screen to his lap.
DAVID
She can't really talk right now.
104 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT 104
VERONICA slams down the receiver and pulls up a sleek leather
address book. She severely scans through it. Tossing it away,
VERONICA then descends into the sundry junk of her night
table drawer and draws up another address book.
This one is frayed and pink polka-dotted. She peruses it and dials.....
Script 6 |
