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VERONICA
Hello, Betty.....
105 EXT. SAWYER BACKYARD--LATE AFTERNOON 105
BETTY FINN hits her ball through a wicket and squeals in
delight. VERONICA has a motherly smile on her face.
BETTY
I don't believe it. I'm winning.
VERONICA
Don't get cocky, girl.
BETTY bends down to shoot then raises her body back up.
BETTY
I missed you. I know I'm not as, as
exciting as your other friends.
VERONICA
That's bullshit. Just shoot.
BETTY once again bends and raises.
BETTY
Ronnie, I'm still a virgin. I french-
kissed Al Springer once but he...
VERONICA
(warmly)
Shoot.
BETTY finally shoots. Feebly.
VERONICA
Betty, your daydreams are a lot
better than my realities, believe
me. I'm afraid though it's time to die.
BETTY
Ronnie!
VEONCIA gigglingly shoots, but misses the wicket. And instead
hits BETTY's ball. Disturbed by the sudden dilemma, she
determinedly walks to her ball and moves it away from BETTY's.
BETTY
Hey, you're not settling for the two shots
are you? Knock me out girl. It's the only way.
VERONICA
It's not my style, okay?
BETTY
Nice guys finish last. I should know.
VERONICA sighs then knocks BETTY's adjacent ball sailing
toward the porch and a statuesque Earring-wearing HEATHER
DUKE, who does not budge as the ball whizzes past her.
HEATHER DUKE
Brav-O!
BETTY FINN
(nervously)
I've got to get going, Veronica.
VERONICA
Sure.
HEATHER DUKE walks toward the girls followed by a meandering
desultory HEATHER MCNAMARA, who picks up a green mallet and
fragilely swings it; her early robustness a forgotten memory.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Croquet won't be the same without Heather.
HEATHER DUKE
(condescendingly to the passing Betty)
Oh Betty, leaving so soon...HEY, I'M RED!
LATER IN THE GAME
Red ball underfoot, HEATHER DUKE savagely "sends" HEATHER
MCNAMARA's green ball into the flower bed.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Shit.
HEATHER DUKE
You know what really bites; when people
watch that cafeteria stuff on TV and see
all those Geeks and Metalheads jumping
around, they're going to think Uncool
is the Rule at Westerburg.....Damn!
HEATHER DUKE's shot swerves wide of the wicket.
VERONICA
You're so polluted. Talking down to
people, making fake notes....
VERONICA blows her shot.
HEATHER DUKE
I don't see what gives you the right
to lecture, RONNIE. You were
soulmates with Betty Finn until you
realized you're the cover of
Seventeen magazine and she's the
before half of a Scarsdale Diet ad.
HEATHER DUKE bashes her ball into VERONICA's and prepares
to send it.
HEATHER DUKE
Some people just don't matter. Why
should those who do carry their
weight? Am I right?
As HEATHER DUKE swings down her mallet, VERONICA steps on her
own ball. When HEATHER DUKE's mallet makes contact, the two
balls slam against each other, unmoving, with a loud smack.
VERONICA
No, you're wrong. It's not even
your turn.
The depressed and disoriented HEATHER MCNAMARA, laying
against a tree, pipes in.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
She's right.....Boy, croquet's not
the same without Heather.
HEATHER DUKE
(shaking out her wrist)
I don't know what your damage is
Veronica, but me and Heather are
going to walk over to the Mall.
Maybe by the time we head back,
your tampon'll be flushed.
As HEATHER DUKE and HEATHER MCNAMARA meander out the back of
the yard, an annoyed VERONICA revolves back toward the house
to see J.D. sitting comfortably at the patio table with a
drink.
VERONICA
Christ, doesn't anybody knock?
J.D.
Mummy and Daddy let me in. So I'm a
dark horse, huh? You make me blush...
VERONICA reaches the patio, gently swinging her croquet mallet,
excited with the thought that J.D. has come to change his ways.
VERONICA
Did you come to tell me something?
Something nice. Remotely apologetic.
J.D.
(oblivious)
How about that Heather Duke, huh? I
say it's about time we got down to
doing what we do best.
VERONICA
(angrily blowing up at her bangs)
Just finish your drink and get out.
VERONICA storms to the patio door.
106 - 114 OMIT 106 - 114
115 INT. GYM--DUSK 115
Wearing a BigFun T-shirt, MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK sits in
the bleachers glumly sipping out of a cup of Coke. Cheers and
shouts can be heard booming around her.
As she places the cup down beside her, it is revealed MARTHA
is completely alone in the gym; the others being sad workings
of her embattled imagination.
She lifts the cup back up to her mouth but the plastic lid
pops off and a gush of Coke splashes onto her BigFun T-shirt.
116 INT. THE SAWYER LIVING ROOM--DUSK 116
With her croquet mallet, VERONICA comes into her house,
sliding the patio door closed. MOM and DAD are watching a
video image of PAULINE FLEMING at a cafeteria table.
MOM
Jason's kinda cute for a dark horse.
PAULINE (T.V.)
The Westerburg Suicides were tough on
all of us, but we shared the pain of
losing three very popular souls.
DAD
I don't know about that coat he was
wearing though. Hey, isn't that the
flake we met at Open House.
A zombie VERONICA floats past her parents to stare at the T.V.
PAULINE (T.V.)
I came into the cafeteria and
asked them to hold hands. The
response was immediate.
Footage of the frenzied handholding Students unfolds upon the
screen with no evidence of the calculation behind it.
PAULINE's sanctimoniously dulcet tones go over the image.
PAULINE (V.O./T.V.)
My mere words liberated the students,
causing them to open their petals and
reveal their hopes and fears. By a
stroke of luck, T.V. cameras were
fortunate enough to happen to be on
hand to capture this spontaneous,
natural emotional outpouring of emotion.
VERONICA
Happened to be on hand....spontaneous
natural emotional outpouring!
VERONICA clams up in anger as her parents babble.
DAD
Look there's Heather.
MOM
And there's Heather. Where are
you, Veronica?
The video image of PAULINE at a cafeteria table returns.
PAULINE (T.V.)
Whether to commit suicide is the most
important decision a teenager has to
make. With supervision from people like
myself, we can help young people make
the right decision.
With her croquet, VERONICA slams the on/off Button and
turns to her parents.
VERONICA
I'm right here.
117 EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE SCHOOL--DUSK 117
MARTHA trudges outside of the school, the coke stain still
grotesquely encrusted to her BigFun T-shirt. She pins an
illegible-except-for-the-words-DEAR-WESTERBURG note onto her
shirt, over the stain. She continues moving toward a street
of passing cars.
118 INT. SAWYER FAMILY/T.V. ROOM--DUSK/NIGHT 118
The Sawyer family is on fire. VERONICA yanks the television
cord from its socket.
MOM
Turn that back on!
VERONICA
Can't you see, these little programs
eat up suicide with a spoon. They make
it seem like a cool thing to do.
DAD
If we're not going to watch that
program, can I put on the game?
VERONICA
Hey kids, make your parents and
teachers feel like shit! Get the
respect in death you'll never get
in life!
MOM
Are you trying to tell me it is NOT
a troubled time for the nation's youth?
Get up off the floor, your dress is
getting filthy.
VERONICA
Everybody cares about YOUTH, not the
individual. All we want is to be treated
like human beings, not like guinea pigs
to be experimented on and not like
bunny rabbits to be patronized.
DAD
I do not patronize bunny rabbits.
MOM
Treated like human beings? Is that
what you said little Miss Voice of
a Generation? Just how do you think
adults act with other adults? You
think it's all just Doubles Tennis.
Adults can be horrible to other adults.
When teenagers complain that they
want to be treated like human beings,
it's usually because they ARE being
treated like human beings.
VERONICA leans against the wall with a melancholy smile.
VERONICA
I guess I picked the wrong time
to be a human being.
MOM is embarassed for getting so involved. She meekly gestures
to a tray of pate with a compassionate smile.
MOM
You'll live. Want some pate?
HEATHER DUKE suddenly breezes in the room, out of breath,
holding various shopping bags.
HEATHER DUKE
Hi everyone, door was open. Have you
heard, Veronica? We were doing Chinese
at the Food Fair, right, when they
come over the radio and say Martha
Dumptruck tried to buy the farm. She
bellyflopped in front of a car,
wearing a suicide note.
VERONICA
(repulsed)
Is she dead?
HEATHER DUKE
That's the punchline. She's still
alive, in stable condition. Another
case of a geek trying to imitate the
popular people of the school and
failing miserably. Is that pate?
VERONICA slaps HEATHER DUKE in the face.
119 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT 119
HEATHER DUKE paces the room holding an icepack to her jaw.
VERONICA is glumly sprawled on the ground.
VERONICA
I said I was sorry.
HEATHER DUKE
You are out of control. Heather and
Kurt were a shock, but Martha
Dumptruck, get crucial! She dialed
suicide hotlines in her diapers.
VERONICA
You're not funny. Turn on the radio.
HEATHER DUKE
(Heather Chandleresque)
Martha couldn't take the heat so she
got out of the kitchen. Just think
what a better place the world would
be if every nimrod followed her cue.
VERONICA
Just shut up and turn on the radio.
Hot Probs is on.
HEATHER DUKE
Oh shit, yeah.
HEATHER DUKE hastens to the radio and flicks it on. Ripping
open a bag of corn nuts, she sets herself down next to
VERONICA as a TROUBLED MALE VOICE cuts the air.
TROUBLED MALE VOICE (Radio)
I know it's supposed to be funny
that they never get off the island,
but still, sometimes I feel like I'M
on that island and Gilligan can be just
so STUPID sometimes.
HEATHER DUKE
This sounds like a good one.
120 INT. RADIO STATION BOOTH--NIGHT 120
A slob D.J. cackles into a conference call-type box.
D.J.
Dude, you've got to remember if it
wasn't for the courage of the fearless
crew, the Minnow would be lost. The
Minnow would be lost! Next call!
TROUBLED MALE VOICE
But Skipper hates me...
The D.J. rudely clicks off the TROUBLED MALE VOICE.
D.J.
Whoa, they're coming out early tonight.
What ever happened to abortions and acne?
You've got the Dogcatcher and you're
listening to Hot Probs.
121 INT. HEATHER MCNAMARA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT 121
HEATHER MCNAMARA is sitting clandestinely on her bedroom floor
talking on the phone and through her radio. A dim lamp
provides the room's only light.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
My name is Heather, I mean, not Heather.
HEATHER MCNAMARA looks up at a Madonna poster on the wall.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
It's Madonna. Geez, no, not that.
HEATHER MCNAMARA looks up to a knick-knack of little gold bird.
122 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT 122
VERONICA and HEATHER DUKE simultaneously move into stunned
silence.
D.J. (radio)
Hey babe, I need a name?
123 INT. RADIO STATION BOOTH--NIGHT 123
HEATHER MCNAMARA (box)
My name is Tweety.
D.J.
Yo, Tweet, if you're going to tell
me you just saw a puttycat....
124 INT. HEATHER MCNAMARA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT 124
A broken-down HEATHER MCNAMARA sobs.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
God has cursed me, I think. The
last time I had sex, the guy killed
himself the next day. I'm failing Math.
125 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT 125
HEATHER DUKE excitedlly jumps up as HEATHER MCNAMARA drones on.
HEATHER DUKE HEATHER MCNAMARA (radio)
Holy shit, that's My whole life is a mess.
Heather! We'll I was supposed to be
crucify her! captain of the cheerleading
team, but I probably won't
VERONICA because I miss practice when
Oh man, she knows we my Dad visits. My parents
listen to this show! are divorced and stuff and....
126 INT. CLASSROOM--DAY 126
A blackboard reads POOR LITTLE HEATHER.
VERONICA (V.O.)
Heather told everyone about Heather.
HEATHER MCNAMARA is revealed in the front row wearing her
cheerleader uniform. To the left, HEATHER DUKE dishes with
some dreamy GUYS. At the back of the classroom, VERONICA,
monocle in eye, writes in her diary.
VERONICA (V.O.)
Yes, Dear Diary, I've cut off Heather
Chandler's head and Heather Duke's head
has sprouted in its place like some
mythological thing my eighth grade
boyfriend would know about. Heather's
even doing the old note trick.
A HOMELY GIRL is seen reading a note, glancing to a TYPICAL JOCK.
VERONICA takes in the wicked panorama of the classroom.
VERONICA (V.O.)
I've seen J.D.'s way. I've seen Pauline's way.
Nothing's changed. I guess that's Heather's
way. And jesus, what about J.D.? I can't get
him out of my head. Are we going to the Prom?
Or to Hell? And where's Heather going?
HEATHER MCNAMARA suddenly rises and walks out of the classroom,
passing a GRUFF TEACHER in a trenchcoat, carrying a briefcase.
GRUFF TEACHER
Where's Heather going?
HEATHER DUKE
She's going to CRY-Y-Y.
127 INT. GIRLS BATHROOM--DAY 127
HEATHER MCNAMARA struggles to open a bottle of sleeping pills.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Fucking child protector caps.
128 INT. THE GRUFF TEACHER'S CLASSROOM--DAY 128
GRUFF TEACHER writes a math problem on the board. A flustered
VERONICA squirms in her seat then leaps up and runs to the door.
GRUFF TEACHER
Now where's she going? Is somebody getting
raped today on All My Children or what?
129 INT. GIRLS BATHROOM--DAY 129
130 INT. HALLWAY--DAY 130
VERONICA races down the hall.
131 INT. GIRLS BATHROOM--DAY 131
HEATHER MCNAMARA is a chipmunk with a mouthful of pills.
She pulls a glass from her purse and turns on a faucet, but no
water comes out. She manages to mumble.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Give me a break.
HEATHER MCNAMARA gets running water from another sink as
VERONICA rushes in. VERONICA punches HEATHER MCNAMARA's face
causing the pills to explode out of her mouth. HEATHER
MCNAMARA slumps against a stall, onto the floor.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
What are you trying to do? Kill me?
VERONICA jumps up and down on the pills on the floor.
VERONICA
What were YOU trying to do? Sleep?
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Suicide is a private thing.
VERONICA lunges forward to strike her. HEATHER MCNAMARA
recoils with a wail. Half-regaining her composure, VERONICA
slides down next to HEATHER MCNAMARA.
VERONICA
You're giving your life away to
become a goddamn statistic in U.S.
Fucking A Today. That's got to be
the least private thing I can think of.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
But what about Heather and Ram and Kurt?
VERONICA
If everyone jumped off a bridge,
young lady, would you?
HEATHER MCNAMARA wipes tears from her eyes and smiles weakly.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Probably....
VERONICA
Hey now, if you were happy every day
of your life, you wouldn't be a human
being, you'd be a game show host.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Let's knock off early. Buy some shoes.
Something lame like that.
VERONICA
Sure.
132 INT. THE EMPTY CLASSROOM--DAY 132
Comfortably slouched at a desk, J.D. laconically rumbles.
J.D.
So it's come to this.
(turning to the viewer)
Heather Chandler did polls. I want you
to do a Petition, as a favor, as THE
favor. You've heard the group Big Fun, right?
HEATHER DUKE sits at the desk opposite him torching THE
manilla envelopes (photographs) with a butane lighter.
HEATHER DUKE
TEENAGE SUICIDE; DON'T DO IT!
J.D.
(post-chortle)
Some teenybopper rag said that Big Fun wants
to play a Prom. It could be Westerburg's
if we can get everyone's John Hancock.
J.D. flips across a stack of blank, connected computer
printout sheets. At the top is a small paragraph and the word
PETITION. HEATHER DUKE blows ashes off her desk and grabs it,
giggling.
HEATHER DUKE
I'll get right on it coach. And hey,
a little gift. I won't be needing it.
HEATHER DUKE twirls her copy of Catcher in the Rye to a
pleased J.D.
133 INT. STAIRCASE WINDOW--DAY 133
HEATHER DUKE gothically ascends a staircase, holding the
petition. She stops, arms raised high, to bathe in the
sunlight blasting through the staircase window.
134 INT. CAFETERIA--DAY 134
HEATHER DUKE, petition in hand, sashays toward the Country
Club Kids table.
COURTNEY
Oh great. Here comes Heather.
KEITH
Shit.
135 INT. SCHOOL BUS--DAY 135
HEATHER DUKE chirps to a schoolbusful of various STUDENTS.
136 EXT. SCHOOL LAWN--DAY 136
The provocatively dressed Petitioner charms a patch of Jocks.
137 INT. STAIRCASE WINDOW--DAY 137
HEATHER DUKE continues to bizarrely bathe in the sunlight of
the staircase window.
138 EXT. PARKING LOT--DAY 138
Strategically wearing Heavy Metal accessories, HEATHER DUKE
slams down the petition atop a car-hoodful of Metalheads.
139 INT. STONERS' HALLWAY--DAY 139
Decked out in denim, HEATHER DUKE vanishes into the Stoner
Hallway smoke, with the petition.
140 INT. THE STAIRCASE WINDOW--DAY 140
HEATHER DUKE further writhes in the sunlight until VERONICA's
perplexed voice cuts into her bliss.
VERONICA (O.S.)
Heather?
HEATHER DUKE brings down her arms and the petition and turns
to VERONICA, revealed to be descending down the steps.
HEATHER DUKE
Veronica! Color me stoked, girl. I've
gotten EVERYONE to sign this petition
even the one who think BigFun are
tuneless Eurofags. People love me!
(giggling)
My God, you haven't signed!
VERONICA
People love you but I know you.
Jennifer Forbes told me the petition
she signed was to put a hot tub in
the cafeteria. And Doug Hylton...
HEATHER DUKE
(verbally winking)
So some people need different kinds
of "convincing" than others....
(happiness evaporating)
Hey, just sign the petition!
VERONICA
HEATHER DUKE
It was J.D.'s idea! He made
out the signature sheet and
everything. Now will you sign it?
VERONICA
(queasy)
No.
HEATHER DUKE
Jealous much?
VERONICA slaps HEATHER DUKE with all her might.
VERONICA
Heather, why can't you just be a
friend? Why are you such a MegaBitch?
HEATHER DUKE
Because I can be! The same fucking cheek,
goddamnit! Why are you pulling my dick?
Do you think, do you really think, if
Betty Finn's fairy godmother made HER
Cool, she'd still act nice and hang with
her dweebette friends? No way! Uh-Uh!
HEATHER DUKE stumbles down the stairs.
HEATHER DUKE
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw...
J.D.'s voice cuts into VERONICA's concentration.
J.D. (O.S.)
Wanna go out tonight?
VERONICA grimly turns to see a smirking, descending J.D.
J.D.
Catch a movie? Some miniature Golf?
VERONICA
(jokingly but caustically)
I was thinking more along the lines
of slitting Heather Duke's wrists
open and making it look like a suicide.
J.D. seductively slides behind VERONICA and envelops her.
J.D.
I could be up for that. I've already
started underlining MEANINGFUL passages
in Heather's copy of Catcher in the Rye,
if you know what I mean. This is great,
Veronica. I knew you'd come back.
As in the Chandler kitchen scene, J.D. kisses the back of
VERONICA's neck and she closes her eyes. Suddenly she rifles
her elbow into his stomach, doubling him over. She screams in
his ear then bolts down the stairs as he gasps after her.
VERONICA
It's over, J.D. Over! Grow up!
J.D.
I don't get it! You were wrong! I was
right! Strength, damnit! Come back!
141 INT. SAWYER LIVING ROOM--DUSK 141
Intensely clutching her schoolbooks, VERONICA walks through
the front door into the living room where MOM and DAD sit with
aggressively compassionate faces. VERONICA is a bit confused.
VERONICA
Yes?
MOM and DAD glance at each other before MOM speaks.
MOM
Your friend Jason Dean just stopped
by. He seemed very concerned about
you. He said he thinks you might
try to kill yourself.
DAD
You HAVE been depressed lately. Oh,
he said this is for you.
DAD holds out an envelope. VERONICA nabs it and rips it open.
The note reads, in feminine manuscript: RECOGNIZE THE
HANDWRITING?
VERONICA
Oh my God....
VERONICA runs off, her mother's voice trailing behind her.
MOM (O.S.)
He says we should keep you away from
sharp objects, closed garages, toxic...
Script 7 |
