|
The bald FATHER RIPPER finally comes into view.
FATHER RIPPER
(cont'd)
It's Jesus Christ and he's in the book.
B59 KNEELING PODIUM BEFORE COFFIN--LATER B59
BETTY FINN is kneeling before HEATHER CHANDLER'S open coffin.
The viewer hears what she is thinking.
BETTY (V.O.)
May Heather Chandler rest in peace
even though she committed suicide.
For-the-kingdom-the-power-and-the-
glory-are-yours-now-and-forever-Amen.
BETTY FINN makes the sign of the cross, rises, and exits.
HEATHER MCNAMARA takes her place on the kneeling podium.
HEATHER MCNAMARA (V.O.)
Oh God, this is a tragic thing and
sometimes I have a hard time dealing
with it and stuff. Please send Heather
to heaven and all that. Thanks. I
mean, Amen.
HEATHER MCNAMARA exits and PETER DAWSON moves in her place.
PETER (V.O.)
Dear God, make sure this never
happens to me. I do not think I
could handle suicide and that's
the God's honest truth. Pardon
the pun. Fast-early-acceptance-
into-an-Ivy-League-school-and-
please-let-it-be-Harvard. Amen.
PETER flees and RAM uncomfortably takes his place.
RAM (V.O.)
Jesus God in heaven, uh, why did
you kill such hot snatch. That's
a joke, man. People are so serious.
(a beat)
Hail Mary, who aren't in heaven,
pray for us sinners....so we don't
get caught. Another joke, man.
RAM clumsily exits. HEATHER DUKE solemnly kneels in his place.
HEATHER DUKE (V.O.)
I prayed for the death of Heather
Chandler many times and I felt bad
every time I did, but I kept doing
it anyway. Now I know you understood
everything. Praise Jesus. Alleluia.
HEATHER DUKE departs and VERONICA kneels in her place.
VERONICA (V.O.)
Hi. I'm sorry. Technically I didn't
kill Heather Chandler but hey, who
am I trying to kid, right? I just
want my high school to be a nice
place. Amen. Did that sound bitchy?
C59 CHURCH LOBBY C59
HEATHER MCNAMARA dips a big comb in the holy water basin and
then combs out her hair. VERONICA breezes by.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Veronica. What are you doing tonight?
VERONICA
Mourning. Maybe watch some T.V. Why?
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Ram asked me out, but he wants to
double with Kurt and Kurt doesn't
have a date.
VERONICA
HeaTHER, I've got something
going with J.D.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Please Veronica. Put Billy the Kid on
hold tonight, I'll never forget it.
60 EXT. CHURCH PARKING LOT--DAY 60
KURT KELLY and RAM stand by RAM'S van.
KURT
We on tonight, man?
RAM
I still got to talk to Heather,
dude. Weird funeral, huh?
KURT
Pretty weird.
Geeks RODNEY and BRACES thrust by KURT and RAM. BRACES
obliviously steps on KURT's foot.
KURT
That pudwapper just stepped on my foot.
RAM
Let's kick his ass.
KURT
Cool off, we're seniors.
RAM
Goddamn Geek!
BRACES gives them "the finger".
BRACES
(awkwardly defiant)
Sit and spin.
KURT and RAM turn to each other more amused than angered.
KURT
That little prick.
The bolting Jocks effortlessly catch BRACES and put him into a
hunched-over position. The other Geeks look on, ashamed.
KURT
All right you piece of shit fag,
do you like to suck big dicks?
BRACES
Cut it out!
RAM pushes BRACES down harder.
KURT
Say it man. Say I like to suck big dicks.
RODNEY
Leave him alone, Kurt.
J.D. rides by on his motorcycle. He turns to watch KURT,
wearing an overwhelmingly tinted motorcycle helmet that reads
THE TRUE KILLER across the top. KURT is spooked.
RAM (O.S.)
Say it!
BRACES
Okay, okay, you like to suck big dicks.
Unamused, RAM throws BRACES to the ground. BRACES semi-cries.
BRACES
I like to suck big dicks. Mm-mm!
I can't get enough of them. Satisfied?
KURT
I'm sure your friends are happy
to hear that.
(with a lisp)
Right, GUYS?
ANOTHER PLACE IN THE PARKING LOT
VERONICA and HEATHER MCNAMARA sashay through the parking lot.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Don't worry, Ram's been so sweet
lately, consoling me and stuff.
It'll be really very. Promise.
Moving into the background, BRACES wipes dirt and blood off
his face as his friends glumly watch on.
VERONICA
All RIGHT, but I hope it isn't
going to be one of those nights where
they get shitfaced and take us to a
pasture to tip cows.
61 EXT. COW PASTURE--NIGHT 61
A61 A61
A COW stands sleeping. Giggling and drunk, KURT and RAM
scramble around the COW. Uncomfortable and sober, VERONICA and
HEATHER MCNAMARA look on.
KURT
Is it sleeping, dude?
RAM
I think so, man.
KURT
Then get over on my side. Oh shit,
cowtipping is the fucking greatest.
RAM
Punch it in!
KURT and RAM slam their knuckles and then lean against the
COW, poised to shove. HEATHER MCNAMARA manages a smile but
VERONICA glares it away.
KURT
Count of three, guy.
KURT AND RAM
One. Two. Three!
An O.S. Moo and the Jocks' laughter is heard as mud splashes
against the mortified faces of VERONICA and HEATHER MCNAMARA.
B61 DEEPER IN THE PASTURE--LATER IN THE NIGHT B61
KURT stumbles after a more annoyed than scared VERONICA.
KURT
"When I get that feeling, I need
sexual healing....."
VERONICA
Yeah, right, asshole.
VERONICA makes her way up a hill, pausing to compassionately
stare at RAM on top of a dispirited HEATHER MCNAMARA. KURT's
intoxicated brain has trouble dealing with the incline.
Majestically, J.D. appears at the top of the hill. KURT
squints up the hill and falls over backwards.
J.D.
What is this shit?
VERONICA
I'm doing a favor for Heather. A double date. I
tried to tell you at the funeral but you rode off.
KURT
(still face down)
"Feel like making bah da dah bah da
dah, feel like making love."
J.D.
Another fucking Heather.
(harshly laughs)
I'm sorry. I'm feeling kind of superior
tonight. Seven high schools in seven
states and the only thing different
was my locker combination. We've broke
through the peer pressure cooker. So
what if we had to kill Miss Popularity..
VERONICA clumsily high heels it up the hill.
VERONICA
So what? Don't smile like that, Jesus!
J.D.
Our love is God. Let's get a Slurpee.
J.D. solemnly reaches toward VERONICA. She, less solemn,
takes his hand. Their bodies disappear over the hill.
KURT
"And she's buying the stairway to heaven.."
62 INT. NEWSPAPER/YEARBOOK WORKSHOP--DAY 62
In a cluttered school workshop, Editor DENNIS and YEARBOOK GIRL
ALISON confer over a layout sheet. Alison wears a walkman and
BIG FUN T-shirt. PETER DAWSON pouts behind them.
DENNIS
I'm not belittling the Foodless Fund,
Peter, but we're talking teen suicide!
Ask Alison here, the number one song
right now is "Teenage Suicide (Don't Do
It)" by BigFun. Jesus man, Westerburg
finally got one of these things and I'm
not going to blow it.
PETER
Great. Heather gets the headline and I
get crammed in by the Taco Bell coupon.
VERONICA breezes in.
VERONICA
Hi Guys. I came to check on this
week's lunchtime poll topic.
DENNIS
Don't worry about it, Veronica,
sit down. That funeral yesterday
must have been really rough.
VERONICA
Oh. Sure.
DENNIS
We were, uh, wondering if maybe you
had some poems or artwork that
Heather did that we could put in
the Heather Chandler yearbook spread?
VERONICA
The what?
DENNIS
Take a look. We'll have a two page
layout with her suicide note up
here in the right hand corner. It's
more tasteful than it sounds.
Country Club COURTNEY and COURTNEY'S FRIEND come in giggling
and whispering. Seeing VERONICA, they stop dead, then slide
into chairs, laughing softly.
VERONICA
I don't know. This thing leaves a
bad taste in my mouth.
COURTNEY
Like last night, Veronica?
COURTNEY and COURTNEY'S FRIEND explode in laughter.
VERONICA
I'm sorry? I don't get it.
COURTNEY
You did last night. Kurt told us of
your little date.
VERONICA
Yeah. And? I left him drunk and
flailing in cowshit.
COURTNEY
I don't know. He was really detailed.
PETER
Shut up, Courtney.
VERONICA
Don't shut up. I'd like to know just
what I did.
PETER
(gesturing to the door)
Let me show you that lunchtime
poll topic, Veronica.
63 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE WORKSHOP--DAY 63
PETER tells VERONICA.
PETER
I RARELY listen to Neanderthals like
Kurt Kelly bu-ut he said you were
bent over like a coffee table with
Kurt going in one end and Ram coming
in the other. Pardon the pun.
VERONICA
(dazed)
Pardon the pun. Son-of-a-BITCH.
Dizzy, VERONICA hands a clump of dollar bills to PETER.
VERONICA
Thanks Pete, for the Foodless Fund.
PETER cheerfully pockets the cash as VERONICA drifts off.
64 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT 64
VERONICA arousingly speaks into her phone.
VERONICA
Hi, Kurt? This is Veronica Sawyer. I
didn't expect to be calling either. I
guess my emotions took over. I was
wondering if you wanted all those
things you've been saying to really
happen. It's always been a fantasy of
mine to have two guys at once......
Sure, you can write Penthouse Forum.
Revealed to be lounging on her bed, J.D. laughs out loud.
VERONICA throws a book at him.
VERONICA
That's right. In the woods behind the
school. At Dawn. And don't forget Ram.
65 INT. THE KELLY KITCHEN--NIGHT 65
KURT hangs up with an amazed expression on his face.
KURT
Women.
66 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT 66
VERONICA and J.D. load guns on VERONICA's bed. VERONICA breaks
into a laugh.
VERONICA
I don't get the point of me writing
a suicide note when we'll just be
shooting them with blanks.
J.D.
Get crucial. We won't be using
blanks this time.
VERONICA
You can't be serious? Hey listen,
my Bonnie-and-Clyde days are over.
VERONICA drops her gun in revulsion and launches off her bed.
With a patient smile, J.D. pulls her back down.
J.D.
Do you take German?
VERONICA
French.
J.D. flicks open his gun and pulls a bullet from the chamber.
J.D.
These are Ich Luge bullets. My
grandfather snared a shitload of
them in W.W. Two. They're like
tranquilizers only they break the
surface of the skin, enough to
cause blood, but not any real harm.
VERONICA
So it looks like the person's been
shot and killed when they're really
just unconscious and bleeding.
J.D. nods then stands to pace the room, his mind whirring.
J.D.
We shoot Kurt and Ram. Make it look
like they shot each other. By the time
Kurt and Ram regain consciousness,
they'll be the laughingstock's of the
school. The note's the punchline.
How'd it turn out?
VERONICA clumsily extracts the note from her purse. She also
plucks out the crumpled yellow sample of Kurt's handwriting of
the opening note-forge scene. She proudly displays both
papers.
VERONICA
First tell me this similarity is
not incredible.
J.D.
(warmly)
Incredible similarity.
VERONICA pulls back the note and reads.
VERONICA
Ram and I died the day we realized
we could never reveal our forbidden
love to an uncaring and ununderstanding
world. The joy we shared in each other's
arms was greater than any touchdown. Yet
we were forced to live the lie of Sexist-
Beer Guzzling-Jock-Asshole.
J.D.
Exquisite, but I don't think
ununderstanding is a word.
VERONICA
We don't want to make them out to be
too secretly eloquent. Why would the
Germans invent a bullet that doesn't
kill people? I mean it WAS World War
Two, not a school play.
J.D.
(rapid-fire)
They used them on themselves to
make it look like they were dead.
Really quite a brilliant device, but
too flamboyant to seriously produce.
VERONICA
Neat. Let's try it out on J.F.K.
VERONICA swiftly picks up her gun and aims it at the lovable
tabby entering the room. J.D. rips it away from her.
J.D.
It doesn't work on small animals!
VERONICA
Oh.
J.D.
Uh well hey, let's take a look at the
homosexual artifacts I dug up to plant
at the scene. Now prepare to be a
little disappointed.
J.D. lifts up a feminine shopping bag and gently dumps the
contents on the bed.
J.D.
We've got an issue of Stud Puppy, a
candy dish, a Joan Crawford post card,
and some mascara.
VERONICA
You must have had fun.
J.D.
You know it. Oh man, I almost forgot.
The one perfecto thing I picked up...
J.D. reaches in both his coat pockets and triumphantly raises
out two bottles of Perrier water.
J.D.
Perrier water!
VERONICA
Oh come ON. Lots of people drink
Perrier. It's come a long way.
J.D.
This is Ohio. If you don't have a
brewsky in your hand you might as
well be wearing a dress.
VERONICA
(mock-seductively)
Oh, you're so smart. How about a
little heterosexuality before we go?
J.D. laughs then climbs onto VERONICA for a hugging kiss.
67 EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT--DAWN 67
A tense KURT and an excited RAM, playing air guitar, walk
through the misty parking lot toward the woods.
RAM
(singing)
Sex and Drugs and HBO is all I ever
need! Whoa! Can you hear me! Hello
Tokyo! I said Sex and Drugs and...
KURT
Shut the fuck up, all right.
RAM
Lighten up, dude. In those woods is
some of the finest pussy in the school
and we don't even have to buy it a
hamburger and a Diet Coke. What a way
to start the day! Punch it in!
KURT feebly slams knuckles with RAM.
68 EXT. CLEARING IN THE WOODS--DAWN 68
VEONICA stands in the middle of a clearing in the woods. She
nervously tucks the gun in the back of her dress as KURT and
RAM emerge into the clearing from a path in the woods.
KURT
Hi Veronica.
VERONICA
(forced cheerfulness)
Hi Guys. Glad you could make it.
RAM smacks his hands together.
RAM
So do we just start fucking?
VERONICA
I've made a circle on each end of
the clearing. Ram, you come over here.
KURT steps into the scratched-in-the-dirt circle next to him.
A confused RAM walks past VERONICA and steps into a circle at
the opposite end of the foggy clearing.
VERONICA
The guys pause, then slowly start taking off their clothes.
RAM
What about you?
VERONICA
I was hoping you'd rip my clothes
off me, sport.
RAM
Oh. Good idea.
KURT and RAM awkwardly stand at opposite ends in their undies.
VERONICA
Count of three, guys.
RAM giggles in anticipation.
VERONICA
One.
KURT finally cracks a smile.
VERONICA
Two.
J.D. suddenly moves next to VERONICA holding a gun in his
right hand and the feminine shopping bag in his left.
J.D.
Three.
J.D. almost non-chalantly shoots RAM in the forehead. VERONICA
rips out her gun and swings it toward KURT. Using both hands,
she fires, but misses completely. KURT runs away onto the
path. VERONICA throws down her gun with a smile.
VERONICA
Shucks.
J.D. races to VERONICA in a white sweat.
J.D.
Did you miss him completely?
VERONICA
(giggling)
Yeah, but don't worry, it was worth
it just to see the look on....
J.D.
Don't move! I'll get him back!
VERONICA's laughter cuts off like a faucet. Suddenly trembling
and confused, she watches J.D. bolt into the woods.
THE PATH
A panicked KURT runs on the path through the woods.
OFF THE PATH
J.D., with a cold efficiency, weaves through trees and fog.
THE CLEARING
VERONICA turns toward Ram's collapsed body.
THE PATH
KURT sees the opening at the end of the woods. J.D. suddenly
moves into the opening and raises his gun. KURT runs back...
THE CLEARING
VERONICA approaches Ram's body with increasing shivers. He
does not look bleeding and unconscious. He looks bleeding and
dead, dead, dead.
KURT barrels into the clearing as J.D. howls from the woods.
J.D.
Now!
In a burst of frightened, animal instinct, VERONICA whips
around and fires her gun right into KURT's chest.
69 INT. SQUAD CAR IN SCHOOL PARKING LOT--DAWN 69
Two cops, MILNER and McCORD, smoke marijuana in a squad car
already filled with smoke. After a coughing fit, MILNER
shouts.
MILNER
I heard it that time!
McCORD
Wha?
MILNER
Another gunshot! From the woods!
McCORD
Shit, let's roll.
The two officer explode out of the car.
70 EXT. THE CLEARING--DAWN 70
J.D. puts his gun in RAM's right hand while VERONICA
zombiesquely does the same with KURT and her gun.
VERONICA
Kurt doesn't look too good.
J.D.
Remember he's left-handed.
A quivering VERONICA puts the gun in KURT's left hand.
MILNER (O.S.)
Keep going until you hit the clearing!
J.D.'s head snaps forward. He yanks up VERONICA. They both run
into the woods behind RAM's body as the two Cops charge into the
clearing, guns raised. Seeing the Jocks, they stop.
McCORD
Mother of Shit!
MILNER
Call in!
MILNER looks toward where VERONICA and J.D. ran out.
MILNER
I heard something out there. I'm
checking it out.
MILNER runs off as McCORD shouts into a walkie-talkie. He is
holding the pulse of KURT KELLY.
McCORD
This is Officer McCord and I've got
two dead bodies in the woods behind
Westerburg High. Oh my God, one of
them's Kurt Kelly, the quarterback.
71 EXT. IN THE WOODS--DAWN 71
VERONICA and J.D. flow through thick trees. An Owl hoos.
72 EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE WOODS--DAWN 72
MILNER blindly barrels through the dense, foggy woods.
73 EXT. JUST OUTSIDE THE WOODS--DAWN 73
VERONICA and J.D. come out of the woods and race up a dew
drenched hill toward VERONICA's car which is parked on top.
J.D.
Faster!
74 EXT. IN THE WOODS--DAWN 74
MILNER is jolted by an OWL-HOO, then continues moving.
75 EXT. THE HILL--DAWN 75
VERONICA and J.D. reach the car, panting.
MILNER races out of the woods just as VERONICA and J.D. slam
the car doors closed behind them. MILNER huffs up the hill.
76 INT. THE SAWYER CAR--DAWN 76
VERONICA and J.D. somersault into the backseat and begin
taking off their clothes.
77 EXT. THE HILL--DAWN 77
MILNER continues to move up the hill.
78 INT. THE SAWYER CAR--DAWN 78
VERONICA and J.D., stripped down to their underwear, embrace.
79 EXT. OUTSIDE THE CAR--DAWN 79
MILNER approaches the car and peers in. His crackling walkie-
talkie startles him.
McCORD (O.S./walkie-talkie)
Milner, can you hear me? What's going down?
MILNER moves away from the car, then speaks into his walkie-
talkie.
MILNER
Think what I heard was just a
stinking owl. All I got is two kids
making out in the backseat of a
car. Should I pry them apart?
McCORD (O.S./walkie-talkie)
Forget it. I got all the answers
back here, partner. Boy, kids today
sure start in early. Hey, are they naked?
MILNER sighs, and clicks off his walkie-talkie.
80 INT. THE SAWYER CAR--DAWN 80
Seeing the cop move away. VERONICA and J.D. stop kissing. They
catch their breath, smile, then continue passionately necking.
81 EXT. THE CLEARING--DAWN 81
MILNER runs back into the clearing.
MILNER
What's the deal?
McCORD
Suicide. Double Suicide. They shot
each other.
MILNER
That's Kurt Kelly!
McCORD
Yeah, and the linebacker, Ram Sweeney.
MILNER
Oh my God, suicide? Why?
McCORD
Does this answer your question?
McCORD reaches in the feminine shopping bag and pulls out the
bottles of Perrier water.
MILNER
Oh man, they were FAGS!
McCORD
Listen up, "We could never reveal our
forbidden love to an uncaring and
ununderstanding world."
MILNER
Ah Jesus H. Fuck. Kurt was a Sherwood
Sunday Insert Honorable Mention...
MILNER shakes his head slowly then suddenly looks up.
MILNER
Wait a second. How did they shoot
each other if we heard two separate
sets of gunshots?
Script 5 |
