|
J.D.
See the condoms in the grass over
there. We killed tonight, Veronica.
We murdered our baby.
VERONICA
Hey, it was good for me too, Sparky.
J.D.
Just saying it's not hard to end a life.
VERONICA
There's a big difference between
the most popular girl in the school
and dead sperm.
They laugh. VERONICA maneuvers herself into a sitting position.
J.D.
I guess I don't know what the hell
I'm talking about.
VERONICA
I know exactly what the hell you're
talking about and you're right, you
don't know what the hell you're
talking about. Let's just grow up,
be adults, and die.
J.D.
Good plan.
VERONICA
But before that, I'd like to see
Heather Chandler puke her guts out.
40 INT. HEATHER CHANDLER'S BEDROOM--DAY 40
HEATHER CHANDLER's bedroom is lushly and expensively furnished
with a glass coffee table as an eye-catching centerpiece.
HEATHER CHANDLER half-sleeps in twisted bedsheets as MRS.
CHANDLER'S VOICE attacks through the door.
MRS. CHANDLER (O.S.)
We are leaving soon for your
grandmother's. If you care to join us...
HEATHER CHANDLER
Bag that.
MRS. CHANDLER (O.S.)
Is that a "No" in your lingo?
HEATHER CHANDLER gives the voice behind the door "the finger."
HEATHER CHANDLER
Lingo this.
41 INT. THE CHANDLER KITCHEN--DAY 41
The sound of a lock being jimmied is heard moments before
VERONICA and J.D. burst through the door.
VERONICA
(quietly)
Trust me. She skips the Saturday
morning trip to Grandma's even
when she's not hungover.
J.D.
Then let's just concoct ourselves a
little hangover cure that'll induce
her to spew red, white, and blue.
VERONICA opens the refrigerator. J.D. opens the cupboard
beneath the sink.
VERONICA
What about orange juice and milk?
What's the upchuck factor on that?
J.D. holds up a bottle of cleaning fluid.
J.D.
I'm a No Rust Build-up man, myself.
VERONICA
Don't be a dick. That stuff'll
kill her.
VERONICA and J.D. make queasy eye-contact. VERONICA descends
back into the refrigerator with some worked-up enthusiasm as
J.D. suavely pours bits of various toxic containers
(detergent, scouring powder) into a glass beer mug.
VERONICA
O-kay. We'll cook up some soup and put
it in a Coke. Sick, eh? Now should it
be Chicken-Noodle or Bean-with-Bacon?
J.D.
Man Veronica, pull the plug on that
shit. I say we go with Big Blue.
J.D. raises the glass filled with what is now a strange blue
liquid. VERONICA stares at the glass, scared by her own
thoughts.
VERONICA
What are you DOING? You just
can't go.....Besides, she'd never
drink anything that looks like that.
J.D.
Okay we'll use this. She won't be
able to tell what she's drinking.
J.D. pulls down a ceramic cup and triumphantly pours the
poisonously blue beer glass contents into it. An eerie pause
ensues. VERONICA takes out a milk carton and a container of
orange juice. She struts back to the counter in anger, icily
muttering.
VERONICA
Just give me a cup, jerk.
J.D. sheepishly pulls down an identical ceramic cup. VERONICA
tears it from him and pours some milk and then some orange
juice into the cup.
VERONICA
Milk and orange juice. Hmmmm. Maybe
we could cough a phlegm globber in
it or something.
J.D.
Yeah, great.
They both start coughing harshly.
VERONICA
No luck? Well, milk and orange juice'll
do quite nicely. Quite nicely.
J.D.
Chick-en.
VERONICA
You're not funny.
J.D. turns on his heel and slinks away. VERONICA glares down
at the mess of toxic containers.
With both arms, VERONICA clumps the toxic containers together
and drops beneath the sink to put them away. J.D. swaggers
back into the kitchen as VERONICA bobs back into view.
J.D.
I'm sorry.
J.D. kisses the back of her neck. VERONICA closes her eyes
with a grudging smile.
VERONICA
Bonehead.
VERONICA dreamily reaches out to one of the two ceramic cups.
Not the one with milk and orange juice in it.
42 INT. HEATHER CHANDLER'S BEDROOM--DAY 42
HEATHER CHANDLER angelically sleeps as VERONICA and J.D.
enter.
VERONICA
Morning, Heather.
Like a lion, HEATHER CHANDLER rouses herself up.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Veronica. And Jesse James. Quelle
surprise. Hear about Veronica's
affection for regurgitation?
VERONICA
We both said a lot of things we
didn't mean, last night.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Did we? How the hell'd you get in here?
J.D.
Veronica knew you'd have a hangover.
So I whipped this up. Family recipe.
J.D. holds out the ceramic cup. HEATHER CHANDLER snorts.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Did you put a phlegm globber in it
or something? I'm not drinking that piss.
J.D.
I knew this stuff would be too intense.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Intense? Grow up. You think I'll drink
it just because you call me CHICKEN.
They do. They're right.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Just give me the cup, jerk.
HEATHER CHANDLER rises from the bed and struts to J.D. in
anger. She takes the cup, slams her head back and downs it
all.
She then launches her head forward, her face contorted in
agony.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Corn nuts!
HEATHER CHANDLER'S eyes slam shut and her limp body crashes
through the glass coffee table. VERONICA and J.D. freeze.
J.D.
Something tells me you picked up
the wrong cup.
VERONICA
No shit, sherlock. I can't believe
it. I just killed my best friend.
J.D.
And your worst enemy.
VERONICA
Same difference. Oh jesus, I'm gonna...
VERONICA staggers to a desk. J.D. laughs out of shock.
J.D.
What are we going to tell the cops?
"Fuck it if she can't take a joke, Sarge."
VERONICA
Stop kidding around. The police....oh
no, oh God....I can't believe this is
my life..I'm going to have to send my
S.A.T. scores to San Quentin instead
of Stanford.
J.D.
I'm just a little freaked, all right?
(a beat)
You got what you wanted, you know.
VERONICA
Don't say that! It's one thing to
want somebody out of your life. It's
another thing to serve them a wake-up
cup of Liquid Drainer....Don't say....
VERONICA stares off as J.D. paces like a caged animal. He
scopes onto the rubble of the shattered coffee table and sees
Cliff Notes for The Bell Jar plus a magazine proclaiming
"THE FALL OF THE AMERICAN TEEN" under HEATHER CHANDLER's body.
J.D.
We did a murder. In Ohio, that's a crime.
But if this was like a suicide thing.....
VERONICA
Like a suicide thing?
J.D.
Adolescence is a period of life
fraught with anxiety and confusion.
VERONICA
(calming down)
I can do Heather's handwriting as
well as my own.
VERONICA takes some stationery from the desk and begins
writing, calling out her words.
VERONICA
"You might think what I've done is
shocking..."
J.D.
"To me though, suicide is the
natural answer to the myriad
of problems life has given me."
VERONICA
That's good, but Heather would
never use the word "myriad."
J.D.
This is the last thing she'll ever
write. She'll want to cash in on as
many fifty-cent words as poss.
VERONICA
She missed "myriad" on a vocab
test two weeks ago, all right?
J.D.
That only proves my point more. The word
is a badge for her failures at school.
VERONICA
You're probably right..."People think
just because you're beautiful and
popular, life is easy and fun. Nobody
understood I had feelings too."
J.D.
"I die knowing no one knew the real me."
VERONICA
That's good. Have you done this before?
VERONICA's smile dies as she looks to HEATHER CHANDLER'S corpse.
43 INT. SCHOOL CONFERENCE ROOM--DAY 43
At the head of a long conference table is the bearlike
PRINCIPAL GOWAN. Circling the table is the gray-haired but
savvy MRS. POPE, the yuppie black counselor PAUL HYDE, TWO
large DISCIPLINARIAN-TYPES, and most noticeably, the
eccentrically dressed MS. PAULINE FLEMING. Coats are in chairs
and cigarette smoke is in the air, as the group batters their
way through a morning mourning conference.
PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Any other Principal would take the same
position. Keep things business as usual.
COUNSELOR HYDE
Heather Chandler's not your everyday
suicide. She was VERY popular.
PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Come on Paul, I let the kids go before
lunch and the switchboard'll light up
like a Christmas Tree.
COUNSELOR HYDE
The parents will be sympathetic, sir.
These are troubled times for the young.
MRS. POPE
I must say I was impressed to see
that she made proper use of the word
"myriad" in her suicide note after
brutalizing it in a vocabulary test.
PAULINE
(dramatically cutting in)
I find it profoundly disturbing that
we are told of a tragic destruction
of youth and all we can talk about
is adequate mourning times and
misused vocabulary words.
A collective sigh goes across the room.
PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Oh Christ.
PAULINE
The school, meaning both students
and teachers, must revel in this
revealing moment. I suggest we get
everyone into the cafeteria and
just talk. And feel. Together.
PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Thank you, Ms. Fleming. Call me
when the shuttle lands...Now is
this Heather the cheerleader?
COUNSELOR HYDE
That would be Heather Mcnamara.
PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Damn. I'd be willing to go half a
day for a cheerleader.
MRS. POPE
Let's just pack it in an hour early.
PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Done. I hate Mondays.
44 INT. PAULINE FLEMING'S CLASSROOM--DAY 44
The desks of the classroom have been maneuvered into an
amusingly chaotic position by PAULINE'S PUPILS. She is
furious.
PAULINE
I said a circle you imbeciles! Forget
it! Just sit down. I'm just so THRILLED
to be given an example of everything
I've taught you. That example is
Heather Chandler. I have the note!
PAULINE melodramatically lifts the suicide note. The class AAAHS.
MALE STUDENT
Awright!
PAULINE
I'll pass the suicide note around
the room so you can feel its tragic
beauty for yourself. Let us share
together the feelings the suicide has
spurred in us all. Who wants to begin?
FEMALE STONER IN ARMY JAKET
I heard it was really gnarly. She sucked
down a bowl of multi-purpose deodorizing
disinfectant then she smashed....
PAULINE
Now, now, we're not here to rehash
the coroner's report. Let's talk EMOTIONS.
ALL-OUT NERD
Are we going to be tested on this?
A stunned PAULINE glares until preppie PETER DAWSON speaks.
The note continues to be breathlessly passed around.
PETER
Heather and I used to go together,
but she said I was boring. I realize
now I wasn't really boring. She was
just dissatisfied with her life.
PAULINE
That's very good Peter.
VERONICA lets out a laugh that she disguises as a sob by
putting her hands over her face.
PAULINE
Dear Veronica, Heather was your
soulmate.....Share.
VERONICA
Heather was cool, but cruel. The good
looks and bad manners gave her power,
but it could not give her happiness.
The class stares to VERONICA as the suicide note is passed to
her. She acknowledges it in horror, passes it on, then
continues, realizing her ability to create truths for a
captive audience.
VERONICA
She realized the only way she could
be happy was to give up her power and
the only way she could do that was Death.
PAULINE cries. The PUPILS applaud. VERONICA queasily smiles.
45 INT. THE GIRLS LOCKER ROOM--DAY 45
The GIRLS are finishing up putting on their clothes.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Oh God, it's so unfair. It's just so
UNFAIR! We should get a whole week
off not just an hour.
HEATHER DUKE
Write the School Board.
HEATHER DUKE gnaws on a chicken leg as she speaks.
VERONICA
Watch it, Heather. You could actually
be digesting food.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Yeah, where's your urge to purge?
HEATHER DUKE
(belching)
Fuck it.
HEATHER MCNAMARA pulls a Swatch from one of the lockers.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Look, heather left behind one of her
Swatches. She'd want you to have it,
Veronica. She always said you couldn't
accessorize for shit.
HEATHER MCNAMARA tosses the watch to a spooked VERONICA who
stands up and solemnly puts it on. The FEMALE STONER IN ARMY
JACKET stops next to their bench.
FEMALE STONER IN ARMY JACKET
I'm sorry about your friend. I thought
she was your usual airhead bitch.
Guess I was wrong. Lot of us were.
HEATHER DUKE bobs up from the world's largest sno-cone.
HEATHER DUKE
What a waste.
VERONICA zombiesquely moves into the shower area.
HEATHER DUKE (V.O.)
Oh the Humanity.
46 INT. THE SHOWER--DAY 46
VERONICA turns on a shower and lets the water spray against her clothes.
47 INT. THE LOCKER ROOM--DAY 47
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Veronica, what are you doing?
SQUEALING GIRL (O.S.)
Everyone in the shower!
TWO GIGGLING GIRLS run into the shower fully clothed. THREE
OTHERS follow suit. The HEATHERS look to each other, laugh,
and run in.
48 INT. THE GIRLS' COACH'S LOCKER ROOM OFFICE--DAY 48
Heavy Metalers MATT, CLYDE, and STEVE plus Geek RODNEY sneak
into a darkened room. Girls' laughter drifts in.
MATT
Do I deliver or do I deliver?
RODNEY
Hurry up, we're going to get caught.
MATT
Mellow out Geek. Man, I never
should have brought you.
CLYDE
Let's see some PUSSY!
MATT pulls a curtain revealing a semi-overhead view of the
showering and clothed GIRLS.
49 INT. THE SHOWER--DAY 49
The GIRLS splash and spin in balletlike slow motion. VERONICA
stands facing the viewer, the Swatch noticeably attached.
50 INT. THE GIRLS' COACH'S LOCKER ROOM OFFICE--DAY 50
Cautiously quiet pandemonium.
MATT
Does this have something to do with
menstrual cramps and shit?
CLYDE
(dazed)
What the fuck?
RODNEY
We're on Candid Camera, dudes. I
can feel it.
CLYDE
What the fuck?
51 EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE SCHOOL--DAY 51
Pulling their coats over their wet clothes, VERONICA and the
HEATHERS come out of the school.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
That was seriously warped, Veronica.
VERONICA
Uh-huh.
HEATHER DUKE
T.V. cameras!
In the distance, a T.V. CAMERA CREW is interviewing STUDENTS.
HEATHER DUKE dashes toward them. HEATHER MCNAMARA freezes.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Oh God, Veronica. My hair! My clothes!
HEATHER MCNAMARA moans, vibrates, then suddenly races toward
the cameras. VERONICA looks down at the soaked, stopped Swatch
on her arm. She takes it off and drops it in a neaby trashcan.
52 INT. THE DEAN LIVING ROOM--LATE AFTERNOON 52
A massive T.V. set shows the image of HEATHER DUKE posed by a
tree, talking into a microphone.
HEATHER DUKE (T.V.)
I choose to remember the good times.
Like when we got our ears pierced
at the mall.
The image of HEATHER MCNAMARA sitting in the grass talking
into a microphone supersedes HEATHER DUKE's.
HEATHER MCNAMARA (T.V.)
I can still hear those late night
talks on the phone.
The image of PETER DAWSON sitting on a rock comes on next.
PETER (T.V.)
The day I won her that stuffed rhino
at the 4-H Fair, she said to me....
VERONICA (O.S.)
You're an asshole! Mute him!
VERONICA and J.D. are seen to be crashed on a couch. J.D.
pushes a button on the remote control, cutting the sound.
J.D.
Mute!
VERONICA
Next channel, darling.
The silent image of HEATHER DUKE on a staircase talking into a
microphone is on the screen.
VERONICA (O.S.)
Heather, how many networks did
you run to!
Country Club Courtney appears wearing a T-shirt reading BIGFUN.
VERONICA takes the remote and turns the sound on.
VERONICA
Oh, I have to hear this.
COURTNEY (T.V.)
In my heart, Heather's still alive.
VERONICA
(muting Courtney)
What are you talking about? She
hated you! You hated her!
(to J.D.)
What are you smiling at?
J.D.
Heather Chandler is more popular
than ever now.
VERONICA
Yeah. Scary stuff.
J.D. suddenly looks away from VERONICA with a mischievous
half-smile. He inexplicably calls out.
J.D.
Why son, I didn't hear you come in.
J.D.'s father BIG BUD DEAN, stands before them, handsome and
threatening in a shirt and tie. He is rather malevolently
holding a rowing machine.
BIG BUD DEAN
Hey Dad, how was work today?
BIG BUD slams down his rowing machine and straddles it before
answering his own question. He rows as he speaks. The Brady
Bunch sputters on the T.V. screen before him.
BIG BUD DEAN
It was miserable. Some damn tribe of
withered old bitches doesn't want us
to terminate that fleabag hotel. All
because Glenn Miller and his band once
took a shit there. It's just like
Kansas. Do you remember fucking Kansas?
J.D.
That was the one with wheat right?
BIG BUD DEAN
The Save the Memorial Oak Tree
Society. Showed those fucks.
J.D. turns to VERONICA with a bemused smile.
J.D.
Thirty Fourth of July fireworks
attached to the trunk. Arraigned
but Acquitted.
BIG BUD DEAN
Fucking Kansas. Gosh Pop, I almost
forgot to introduce my girlfriend.
J.D.
Veronica, Dad. Dad, Veronica.
VERONICA
Hello.
VERONICA, with a forced smile, reaches to shaked BUD's hand.
He extends his hand but makes no effort to stop rowing
hence his hand pulls away from VERONICA. Pop and son laugh.
J.D.
Jason, why don't you ask your
little friend to stay for dinner.
VERONICA
(awkwardly standing)
My Mom's making my favorite meal
tonight. Spaghetti. Lots of oregano.
J.D.
Nice. The last time I saw my Mom,
she was waving out the window of a
library in Texas. Right, DAD?
BIG BUD DEAN stops rowing to grin a You-Think-You're-
Tougher-Than-Me-But-You're-Not smile to J.D.
BIG BUD DEAD
Right, SON.
VERONICA
(weakly)
Right.
53 EXT. THE SAWYER PATIO--DUSK 53
Just as in the earlier patio scene, DAD and MOM SAWYER are
seated at a patio table with an empty chair between them. Pate
is on the table. DAD smokes a cigarette.
DAD
Take a break Veronica, sit down.
VERONICA walks into view and sits down.
VERONICA
All right.
DAD
So what was the first day after
Heather's suicide like?
VERONICA
I don't know, it was okay, I guess.
MOM
Terrible thing. So will we get to
meet this dark horse prom contender?
VERONICA
MayBE.
DAD
(looking at his cigarette)
Goddamn. Will somebody please tell
me why I smoke these damn things?
VERONICA
(smiling)
Because you're an idiot.
DAD
Oh yeah, that's it.
DAD immediately takes another drag with a wide grin.
MOM
(shaking her head)
You two....
VERONICA
Greate pate, but I'm going to have
to motor if I want to be ready for
the funeral tomorrow.
54 INT. HEATHER MCNAMARA'S BEDROOM--DAY 54
A montage commences showing the HEATHERS preparing for the
funeral. HEATHER MCNAMARA models an all-black outfit in front
of a dressing table mirror. She storms away, pouting.
55 INT. HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM--DAY 55
Bobbing up from a fashion magazine whose cover story is
FUNERAL CHIC, HEATHER DUKE finishes applying black lipstick. A
look of horror passes over her face and she savagely scrubs
her lips.
56 INT. CHURCH--DAY 56
A MORTICIAN puts the finishing touches on HEATHER CHANDLER,
smoothing out her clothes and buffing her face. He gently
kisses her forehead then quickly rebuffs the spot.
57 INT. HEATHER MCNAMARA'S BEDROOM--DAY 57
HEATHER MCNAMARA models another black outfit. She responds
this time with a satisfied smile.
58 INT. HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM--DAY 58
Traditionally made up, a smiling HEATHER DUKE brings a
crucifix earring to her ear and attaches it.
59 INT. CHURCH--DAY 59
A59 A59
HEATHER CHANDLER serenely lies in a coffin as FATHER RIPPER
bellows off-screen. A panorama of ADULTS and STUDENTS is
revealed at this more social than spiritual event. VERONICA
and J.D. watch from the back pew.
FATHER RIPPER (O.S.)
I blame not Heather but rather a
society that tells its youth that
the answers are on the MTV video
games. We must pray the other
teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio, know
the name of that "righteous dude"
Script 4 |
